A Combat for Condemnation

This morning I showed annoyance towards the first person I talked to. As they walked away from me, I sighed and hung my head in shame. I realized again how utterly unable I am to do right when I'm not asking Jesus for grace.

Why did I sleep in this morning instead of praying and spending time with Jesus? If I had, I know I wouldn't have responded to an annoyance that way. Questions and condemnations swirl in my head and make me feel almost sick with regret. Words and looks can't be retracted... mistakes can't be rectified... I can't hit the rewind button and do it all over again. Sigh.

Lately is seems as if the thing I struggle most with is condemnation from Satan. I see how very, very far away from being just like Christ, and I feel that I must be frustrating and ugly to Him... I must grieve Him and annoy Him. It makes me feel dirty when I come to pray. It makes me shrink before His presence instead of coming boldly to the throne of... GRACE.

But a few moments ago I listened to this song and I pictured Jesus stooping down and lifting my head, so I can look into His eyes. I'm full of shame and remorse and expecting condemnation but what I see when I look there is love, and tenderness, and forgiveness. Most shockingly, I see that He find me beautiful. He has clothed me in HIS robe of righteousness, because I have none wherewith to clothe myself. Trying to somehow do pennance and make myself prettier before I draw near to Him is an insult and a futile effort.

My Jesus... I accept your acceptance! I will stop confusing guilt with repentance. Guilt drives me from You: repentance drives me TO You. I will stop trying so hard on my own and forgetting that YOU have made me beautiful! YOU are grace, forgiveness, and love! YOU are my Glory, and you and the Lifter of my head!

Oh, You are so kind.