-The Invisible Realities-

"That night he forgot her unusual beauty;
he remembered only the fragrance of her personality."

I read that in a book once; an old, musty book printed in the first decade of the 1900s... and it captured my imagination. It made me dream of love like that. You might argue that I hope for love like that because I haven't GOT an unusual beauty that a man would remember. :) (Okay, you've got a point there.) But I think it goes beyond that. I think it goes to the core of who a woman is. We want to be beautiful. We want to be captivating. But more than anything, we want a man who will love us because of who we are; not because of what we look like. A man who will even forget how pretty I might have looked tonight because he saw my heart through my eyes, and THAT is what made him fall in love with me.

A couple weeks ago Carlee came into my room late at night. I was awake. We talked and talked. We talked about the nightmare that was going to happen soon, and the fear and the worries and the pain. But we also talked about Jesus and His faithfulness. And then we cried together. When I held my sissy and we cried together in the darkness, I felt peace again. I needed to cry with her so she would know that I cared. And I needed her to cry with me so I could comfort her. And to hear her heart, I realized again that my sis is valiant. She's a little Hobbit who stands before a massive army of orcs, and even though she's trembling to the bone she looks them in their hideous eyes and prepares for battle with a song.

A few nights ago I sat with Carlee in the living room while she fed Caleb his bottle. I studied her as she sat there. She had taken her hat off, which she only does when the shades are pulled and the doors are locked. :) I don't take for granted the honor it is that she's comfortable with me seeing her hairless head! The dark beginnings of peach fuzz are covering her head, and we're excited. She reminds me, at this stage, of a little fuzzy chick with fluffy feathers. Vulnerable. Plucky. Adorable.
As she played with her baby and delighted in his giggles, her eyes shined and I could almost see the golden warmth of her heart. She is so beautiful.

Today she left for Anchorage. Her surgery is in two days. I know I need to be here, but it felt sad to let her get on the plane and leave for a battle I know I can't help her fight. In a big way, she's alone with this one. Other people can encourage and pray for her, but she's really th only one who can walk this road. Praise God though, He's not human so he can walk it to. Can hold her, even. And can hold those of us who are struggling with the knowledge that they can't make life "okay" for her right now.

Oh and the whole reason I mentioned the quote in the first part of my post, is that I think it describes Carlee in my mind. When she's away, I forget her unusual beauty; I remember only the fragrance of her personality.

Ugh, reading back over this I see I'm pitifully un-concise... I feel clunky when it comes to expressing my heart today. Part of my ongoing brain-freeze stage I guess. Oh, well. At least I tried. Now I need to go wipe a poopy bottom and take the sweet potato fries out of the oven. Yes, I will wash my hands between the two. (Was that TMI?)