A light in the darkness

Philipians 2:4b-16a
"...Become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life."

Have you ever felt keenly that your citizenship is in another place; and longed to run there for refuge? Today I felt that; perhaps more than I ever have before. I was at work, on my lunch break, and the room was full of my co-workers. All of them are kind, and we enjoy bantering and laughing together. As I sat after lunch chatting and waiting as the clock relentlessly ticked towards the end of my break, uproarious laughter broke out from the opposite end of the small room. I looked up at the huddled group and giggled a bit myself at their laughter, wondering what on earth had struck them as being so funny. One of them made a comment and immediately it slammed me exactly what they were laughing about and looking at; what they were talking about. For a moment I sat, dumbfounded hardly believing my ears at their blatant lewdness. Then I quietly stood up and walked outside, the crisp air blowing on my hot cheeks. I was furious...and flustered.

I remembered that I had prayed, earlier that day as I drove to work, that Christ would be on the forefront of my mind throughout the entire day. That He would help me to shine brightly as a light to my co-workers who may not know Him and to the lonely residents I would serve. And suddenly, I felt like a little, tiny candle flame flickering futily in a darkness so black you could feel it.

I wonder: will a small light do any good in this world? In a place where righteousness is despised, purity is mocked, and my Lord is treated as some sort of a good luck charm that a person can put in their pocket and rub when life gets tough, then put away again the rest of the time?
And again, I wonder: if my light were shining more brightly, might I have had the courage to boldly take a righteous stand instead of leaving the room in disgust? And did my presence and my spirit in that room in any way convict or impact the lives of the souls there? Jim Elliot wrote, "Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road; make me a fork, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me." It's going to take something other than quiet conviction to rock the world of unbelievers and mediocre Christians alike.

If I'm going to call myself a follower of Jesus, how can I be willing to live the "Normal Christian Life"!? Yeah, maybe I'm slightly "weird" or "naive" to those who don't understand my Lord. Maybe even a quiet sign on the journey to point them to Jesus. But by no means radical. By no means a fork in the road.
In short, I am ashamed that I'm a candle flickering in the wind, when I want to be a 'star shining in the universe'. My heart cries,

"Forgive me for being so ordinary, while claiming to know so extra ordinary a God!" -(Again, Jim E.)

I take comfort in this thought, though: the Holy Spirit within me wouldn't stir the coals if they were dead.