-The Invisible Realities-

I've been reading an incredible book lately: "Prayer" by Philip Yancey. It's a book I recommend even though I haven't finished it. I told someone recently that I was reading it, and she asked "So the real question... are you praying more?" And I could honestly answer, "yes!" Maybe because for the first time, reading this book has made it truly sink in to me that God really isn't interested in my well planned words and coiffed phrases. He wants to hear the gut of who I am, and in praying to Him, I find myself discovering that deepest part of me which I don't even know is there sometimes. Brutal honesty isn't "brutal" with God. He already knows it all. But it is only when I take the effort to truly unearth the deepest part of me for Him, and put it into words, and trust that He will not be horrified or baffled by what He hears, that I grow to love and trust Him more. Recently I've begun to recognize the sly way I spiritualize my prayer speech, using phrases like

"Lord, I really struggle with your will in this matter"

to replace the honest truth:

"Lord, I am rebelling against your will in this matter."

When I put it that way, I am horrified. Truly, I cringe! Expecting some stab of condemnation from the Almighty, I am instead suddenly conscious of His smile. He already knew it was rebellion. He's not surprised. He's relieved just like I am.


All that to say, a few days ago I was struggling through one of our newfound brutally-honest conversations. It started off with the pious

"Lord, I'm struggling..."

...and ended up with a more honest

"God, I just don't want to obey You."

I didn't say it in a disrespectful way. I just honestly (and kinda guiltily) told Him what I was really feeling.

There's an area of my life that I've been obeying Him because I feel like I have no other choice, and I'm sick of it. Sick of doing what's expected of me when I long for something else. Sometimes His will leads me in places I delight in; living with my sister to help her family; working with the elderly; traveling; writing a song. But sometimes, I feel trapped because I don't want to obey Him, but I know that to disobey would bring disaster. So I obey. But I'm not happy about it. And I always hate it because I want to obey from love and joy, not a feeling of guilt and compulsion. So I guess that finally for the first time in this matter, I told it like it is and then waited, half pouting and half hopeful, for His response.

It came as a series of thoughts:

"You feel trapped, don't you?"
"Yes."
"You feel like a hypocrite becuase you're doing one thing but longing for something else?"
"Yes."
"You're sick of offering me a sacrifice that you are compelled to give; not of your own free will?"
"Yes."
"Those are valid feelings."
"Really?"
"Yet, this is my will. And whether you like it or not, it is a blessing that you are forced into it. Left to your own will without a conscience, without counsel, and without my intervention you'd choose the wrong direction and you know it.
But what about the areas of your life that no one else but you or I see, and no one can compel you to surrender? Your thoughts; your free time; the things you delight in? You will never be applauded for sacrificing these secret parts of who you are on the alter of love, But I will see it. And I will delight in you. And you will have sacrificed something that cost you everything."

How did He DO that!? How did He take the frustration inside of me and turn it around so completely that my thoughts became full of hope, and joy, and excitement? How did He help me to surrender my will, and find new ways to delight in Him? I don't know, but I do know that it could not happen until He had heard from my own lips the confession of my deepest heart; unedited, un-cut, un-polished.

Perhaps these things inside of me are things that only I can understand. I tend not to write a lot about the inner workings of my heart because I don't think the whole blogosphere needs to hear it. But I wanted to try and express it, somehow. Because I'm catching a glimpse of how personal God is, and I want to share it with you in the hopes that you'll try to discover it for yourself. Go ahead and tell him the things that you are too ashamed to admit to yourself. You will find that your Judge is your Savior.

(And go buy Yancey's book. I'll make it easy for you: click here!)